I used to want this complex story, it's like I was addicted to the suffering. And even when it was great, it wasn't real. Somehow I've trained my mind to deal with everything that happens to me by running. I leave the situation. I move. I quit. I block it out. I turn on my iPod and act like I'm just not cut out for happiness. I avoid people for months but some part in me just wants to know why I feel this way. Why can't I just embrace simplicity? I don't trust people. At all. And I don't blame myself. Who does actually trust people?
It sucks. Happy people are just better at looking at things optimistically, but I'm a pessimist. I fall in love with lies and dream up a life that's not going to happen. It's not about being impossible, but being honest. It's only a matter of time before the feelings surface. They always do. I don't think it's anymore else, it's just me. I have this skewed dream of what I want my life to be, and constantly feel an aching for it but no way to get there. And If I address my feelings, it means I failed again. So instead i think I live through sunrises and sunsets, smoothies and cookies and all the things that I wish made me happy.
I do love waking up early, going to the beach and watching the sunrise in peace. It's pure serenity. And as much as every day is the same, in its revolution of the sun and the tide and the moon, the way it rises in the east and sets in the west, every day is unique.
You know, the more I think, the more I realize life isn't bad. It's simple. I complicate it in order to feel. Sometimes I think I just don't feel enough and that's when I start to develop these emotions in my mind. It's like a cry for my soul to wake the fuck up. I drift into the same routine and need for a change presents yaself through my sorrows. It's mostly when I start to see myself feeling angry and easily irritated that I know I need to go experience something new. And lately it's been really hard because I've been strapped for money from opening this business.
If anyone wants to know what it's like to go for it and try to be an entrepreneur, it's HARD. Its a constant debate in your mind of "is this worth it?" And you try to convince yourself of one thing, but somehow the other thoughts creep up. But I'll tell you this; the more you invest in it, the realer it becomes. The harder it is to get away, the more you want it to work out.
All I want is for this to work out and to be happy and comfortable. To not have to complicate my life and give up one part of happiness for another part. People have become to set on the "live in he moment" bullshit, but when you hear success stories you hear that people who get what they want WORK FOR IT. I heard the saying of its not a lottery ticket, you can't sit around waiting to become successful and get what you want in life. People who do that are either A.) pieces of shit who are handed everything B.) prostitutes who will later become arrested or die of something bad, or C.) outliers who are fucking lucky as shit, but you can't expect to be that person.
All in all, I guess I saw my life as something more than I wanted it to be. I always do. I want this great experience of fuck ups and confusion, of sorrow stories about how I tried so hard and it failed me. I am like a damsel in distress, except I'm not because I don't want anyone to fucking save me. I want to do it all in my own. I just want the chapter in my book of my life to teach me something.
Everything that's happened to me so far has been avoidable, but I let it happen anyways. And part of me would be lying if I said I didn't think it would end up like this. I knew when I moved to California that it wasn't going to work out with someone I had followed for years. Because when you give up that much for someone, you're not doing it for yourself and the anger overpowers love and you end up spiteful and things feel different and you resent each other. That's exactly what happened (and the other obvious of he fucked someone else while I was out of town) but let's be real, I knew deep down that was going to happen.
I have a good sense of knowing when something's wrong. And part of me feels it right now, and I keep trying to deny it to myself because I've been so happy with the way things complicated themselves, and this isn't simple either. It's really actually very complex... More than I wanted. But this is why I've come to realize I have made this life I don't know if I want. I am unsure about so many things that hPpen to me and what could happen to me and it terrifies me.
But someone told me last week when I said I hate my life and I want to die (I don't really... I just exaggerate for dark humor cause that's how I deal).
I said I'm upset because I make decisions impulsively and they leave me stranded and confused.
"This is what you do, you make horrible decisions. But you're allowed to because you're in your twenties."
