Feels

Some days I wake up so happy and other days I wake up so distraught over everything that's happened. It really is a blessing and a curse to feel so emotional all the time. I feel so connected to every experience I have.

 I think of my memories and I want to smile and laugh but instead tears come to my eyes and my heart starts to hurt. 

It makes me wonder why I still let those things into my soul. Why does it break my heart that they STILL break my heart? 

I don't know if it's the abundance of memories that fill my head or if it's just myself beating into my mind that I don't even have a chance. I know I don't give myself enough credit. I know I'm a good person and God, I try so hard to be one, but at the end of the day I look in the mirror with anger at myself. I wish I loved myself. I used to. Then I let people walk all over me again and again. I feel so fucked up. I feel jaded. I feel so aggravated by all the decisions I made because part of me knew they were all wrong when I made them and they led me to the "worst case scenario" of the situations that I thought of in my mind. 

Long days turn into longer nights for me. 

Years of remembering something that made you feel so upbeat but also made you want to die are really hard to stop remembering. My past is a huge part of the way I am today. And people think I'm crazy sometimes, but then they all tell me how great of a person I am, and honestly it makes me wonder if they actually think that or if a lot of people in my life just don't know how to react to me. It's embarrassing. 

Basically this post is about compassion. 

I feel so connected to everything that it makes me crazy sometimes. I love everything so much that I start to hate it. I look at my memories mostly right now because it's been a year as of yesterday since I made these moves in my life and tried to make things work out for my future. I moved to California may 23, 2014. And since that, I have lost my best friends, lost the first love of my life, moved on to a second relationship, ended that, attempted to open a business, bought a puppy that I lost in the breakup, moved five times, spent probably $20,000 on a relationship, and practically wanted to die about 6 times. 

I don't even know how to accept if I was happy with my life or not. I still don't know. I just want to be alone most days. I want to get off work and come home and lay around watching Netflix. I finally have discovered the whole "single and ready to watch season after season" emotion. I feel so over it. I know my life isn't over after all that's happened and I'm only 23 but I also feel like people expect me to do big things in life and I keep trying and I keep fucking failing flat on my face and it's like I make mistakes that I should have seen coming and I did see coming and I ignored them because I'm a hopeless romantic and I want everything to work out. I CHOOSE HEART OVER HEAD. I don't make logical decisions. I just started to and now this is how I feel: empty. 

I used to feel so alive. I used to yearn for love and the feeling of a story book love. I used to look into the eyes of the person I was with and my heart would drop. And it makes me sick sometimes. It makes me feel like shit that I let things get me this down. It makes me question myself for why I wake up happy some days and sad some days.

And it makes me the most angry because I know I'm smarter and better than this. I'm being so weak right now and I know better than this. I know my life is beautiful. I know my past is a wonderful thing. I know the experiences I've had and the memories that float around in my head are unique and pretty much a straight blessing that I've done all I've done. I can feel sorrow but I also feel a lot of happiness for the way things panned out. 

I got to travel, got to live somewhere else, I got to be alone, I met new people, I felt so many things in my heart that I never thought I would. I found myself when I moved to California, i truly did. Unfortunately when I moved home I stopped letting them in and that's where I am today. Picking up from that to find myself again. I know who I am I just don't know how to embrace it I guess. And the worst part for me is that I know how easy it is! 

Life is so simple. If you want to do something, do it. Don't make excuse after excuse. If something is that good, you will find a way to make it work. Just as if something is that bad, you can find a solution to making it better again. Fall down twice, get back up three times.