Love you make is love you take

I wonder what it's like to feel loved in the same way you feel it. The way I love is the way I wish I was loved. I mean the kind when you look into someone's eyes and your soul cries. To want to see everything with someone, and to experience all things. To feel inferior and to feel like you consume their mind the same way they costume yours. I wonder is that's even possible. I wonder what that feels like. 

I wonder when my mind races like this why do I think of things in this sense? I guess I've never felt like the people who consume me feel the same. I never have felt like they look into my eyes and want me the same way I want them. 

I want someone who wants me the way I want them. And I mean the way I feel when I want to wake up next to them and not leave the house for days. To lay with them and race my hands over their body and love them and kiss them deeply and have them feel the same. To want them to turn their phone off and mine off and not even worry about anything in the outside world. Not even think of eating or anything else. Just to love. 

I always want a poetic love. 

But poetry stems from pain. I think love stems from a sharp pain. You love so deeply that it destroys you. You can't feel anything else. You can't feel anger, snd when your heart breaks, you only feel more in love. You want them more and more and you can't have them anymore. 

That's why I always want a love like the love I feel. Because it would never hurt me. 

The dark

No one want to talk about their sorrows. Everyone wants to pretend that social media is all about the popularity and the fun life they have. I love the world and I love nature. I love art. I love creating. But a part inside me is always sad. It's a battle I've dealt with my entire life. And honestly I've never addressed it before because I wanted to be natural and I've been in denial that something's wrong with my mind but I really hope things start looking up for me. I'm 23 and my life isn't bad. I have no reason to be as sad and anxious for things as I am, but that doesn't take from the fact that I am. 

Talking to people is a great remedy so if anyone ever wants to talk I'm a great listener and I love helping people. I love hearing what people have to say because everyone is different, unique. We all have troubles. Don't ever feel like yours aren't a big deal just because they could be worse. Yes things could be worse, but that doesn't mean you are wrong for being sad. Don't hold your emotions in. That's what eats you alive. Express yourself in every way you can. Honesty is a huge part of feeling free. 

And there's no reason to deny yourself of freedom just for the yearning to be normal and like everyone else. That's the greatness of life! You are different! We are all different! My sorrows differ from yours, from my sisters, from my family's. We have similar feelings about things but we all have things that dominate our head at night. 

2 am and all I can think about is something I don't want to think about anymore. 

3 am and it's still there. 

4 am and I finally wake up. 

7 am and it's time to start the day and by noon it's right back to square one. 

Well tomorrow I am starting a change. I don't know anything about my problem other than its for depression and anxiety. 

We stray away from the truth more than often

And most of MY problem comes with not understanding the differences between heart and mind. I think wth my heart. I want to be logical in situations and it's like I know what the right move is but my heart somehow always overpowers my brain and I end up in a situation that eventually betrays me. I feel happy then something that i knew would happen happens. And I try to ignore it. I don't try and search for that thing to happen, it just eventually does 

Like someone who has hurt me. They always end up hurting me again. And I read somewhere "if someone hurts you, stay the FUCK away. No matter what. Stay away." 

Yet here i am! Always! Always running back to the people who break me. 

It's like a problem with me. And I'm sure a lot of other people. Like already I get out in the same situations j have been in and god gives me a chance to abandon it but like a fool I feel the need to give people another chance, just another one, and i end up doubting that almost instantly. 

And the people think the can outsmart me. That's what kills me. They act like i don't know what's going on. Well trust me, I do. I know all. Always. I know where life takes me. I know when people tell me they want to just talk they mean they want to convince me why they're right and why I should forgive them.  Mostly they just want to stop feeling guilty about how they hurt me. But they end up doing it again. 

Dude I don't even know sometimes. It still breaks my heart. I've been in tears ALL day. I just think and think and think about all the negativity I've experienced this year and how the people who have placed me there have basically pushed me until feeling that way felt normal. I feel normal that I'm sad. It's just who I am. That's what I've always told myself. For years and years. I've felt this way since I was 11- and I've never been strong enough to ask for help. This is the first time I've gone on my own to get help, which is mostly because someone keeps telling me I'm insane. 

Well maybe i am. 

I do need help. 

I need to feel happy again. And live my life to be myself. And smile and play music that isn't on my "sorrow" playlist. I just want to listen to Interpol and want to smile instead of drawing tears from the corners of my eyes. 

I want to look at photos on my phone and feel happy that I experienced something instead of beating myself up for something not working out. 

And I want to move back to California. Fearless. And be free. And not come home dude. I need a better plan. I need a job first. I need to PLAN now. And i will. And that's that. This is the end of this rant. 

I'm horribly tired. Another side effect.