A True Addiction

"But I did the things I did for love. I was so in love. I felt so alive. I felt so lifted by everything that was going on. I remember looking into his eyes and feeing with my soul. I could see the hearts coming out of my eyes when I looked at him. It was so easy. It was expression. It was art."

It's not magical Pinterest quotes. It's real life feelings. It's real life emotions. People ask me why I feel this way and sometimes I'm just speechless. I don't know what to say. I've never felt like this about anyone else in my life and I don't think I ever will and it terrifies me. The wall is so high for me. The barriers I've placed are like titanium posts filled with cement. Imagining myself going through this with someone else again makes me nauseous. Having your heart ripped out and stomped on is worse than any other feeling. I know everyone goes through heartbreak but it doesn't change how I feel. I WISH I could feel different, and have the confidence to not put myself through this pathetic emotion of being utterly in love with someone who doesn't give a FUCK about me. But I can't help it. He makes me weak. He makes my heart pound. He makes my eyes water at the thought of not speaking to him. He makes me nauseous knowing that I'm not going to end up with him. It makes me nervous to know I do have to get back out there eventually and actually be 100% THERE. It makes me sick to know I treated someone else the way that he treated me. But I didn't mean to. I wanted so badly to feel something else. And that's why I'm alone now. These are the things you can't tell people.  These are the things you can't say during a break up, or to your family, or to your friends who can't stand to hear about the same person you know you shouldn't be with. You're pathetic in your own eyes. And your life is doing so well, except for that little part. And that's why you feel inadequate. And that's why you want to lay in bed and melt into a world where you don't exist. And that's why you should kick ass at life and become something awesome. This is where you channel it. This is where you self motivate. But it's hard when all you can feel is your heart dripping from your own chest.

Always

I think part of me will always be in love with you. Part of me will always wish we will be together in the end. Part of me wants to cry when I see you with our friends, without me. Part of me wishes your name would pop up on my phone, and you would do the thing you always do. 

But mostly part of me wishes for once you would be the one to fight for me back. To say we should be together, and all the things I have said to you over and over. 

And part of me knows that will never happen. And that you aren't the type of person to admit you were the reason all those times for us to fall apart. And that we would still be together if you would have just chosen me, all the times you chose someone else, when I was right there for you, waiting. 

And part of me knows that I'll always be your ride or die. I'll wait for you forever. If you called me tomorrow, I would be on a plane next week. If you called me tonight, I would talk to you for hours. If you tried anything, I would be right there. 

And all of me knows that this isn't how it should be. I shouldn't feel this way still. I have had plenty of opportunities to move forward and forget you. But the truth is that I'll never forget you, because it's always going to be you. It's you when I wake up, it's you when I lay in bed, it's you when I check my Instagram and check your page even though we're not friends. When I look at snapchat to see you in the background of other people's videos. To wait for people to post something relevant to how I feel about you. 

And I wonder if you think about me too still. And I know you do, but I don't know if it's good or bad. I do know it's definitely not this. Because I also know you loved someone else too. And I have loved others, but I never would have chosen them over you. I'll always choose you. It'll always be you. It still is you, since I was 15. It's been 9 fucking years and it's still you.