Always

I think part of me will always be in love with you. Part of me will always wish we will be together in the end. Part of me wants to cry when I see you with our friends, without me. Part of me wishes your name would pop up on my phone, and you would do the thing you always do. 

But mostly part of me wishes for once you would be the one to fight for me back. To say we should be together, and all the things I have said to you over and over. 

And part of me knows that will never happen. And that you aren't the type of person to admit you were the reason all those times for us to fall apart. And that we would still be together if you would have just chosen me, all the times you chose someone else, when I was right there for you, waiting. 

And part of me knows that I'll always be your ride or die. I'll wait for you forever. If you called me tomorrow, I would be on a plane next week. If you called me tonight, I would talk to you for hours. If you tried anything, I would be right there. 

And all of me knows that this isn't how it should be. I shouldn't feel this way still. I have had plenty of opportunities to move forward and forget you. But the truth is that I'll never forget you, because it's always going to be you. It's you when I wake up, it's you when I lay in bed, it's you when I check my Instagram and check your page even though we're not friends. When I look at snapchat to see you in the background of other people's videos. To wait for people to post something relevant to how I feel about you. 

And I wonder if you think about me too still. And I know you do, but I don't know if it's good or bad. I do know it's definitely not this. Because I also know you loved someone else too. And I have loved others, but I never would have chosen them over you. I'll always choose you. It'll always be you. It still is you, since I was 15. It's been 9 fucking years and it's still you.