Feels

Some days I wake up so happy and other days I wake up so distraught over everything that's happened. It really is a blessing and a curse to feel so emotional all the time. I feel so connected to every experience I have.

 I think of my memories and I want to smile and laugh but instead tears come to my eyes and my heart starts to hurt. 

It makes me wonder why I still let those things into my soul. Why does it break my heart that they STILL break my heart? 

I don't know if it's the abundance of memories that fill my head or if it's just myself beating into my mind that I don't even have a chance. I know I don't give myself enough credit. I know I'm a good person and God, I try so hard to be one, but at the end of the day I look in the mirror with anger at myself. I wish I loved myself. I used to. Then I let people walk all over me again and again. I feel so fucked up. I feel jaded. I feel so aggravated by all the decisions I made because part of me knew they were all wrong when I made them and they led me to the "worst case scenario" of the situations that I thought of in my mind. 

Long days turn into longer nights for me. 

Years of remembering something that made you feel so upbeat but also made you want to die are really hard to stop remembering. My past is a huge part of the way I am today. And people think I'm crazy sometimes, but then they all tell me how great of a person I am, and honestly it makes me wonder if they actually think that or if a lot of people in my life just don't know how to react to me. It's embarrassing. 

Basically this post is about compassion. 

I feel so connected to everything that it makes me crazy sometimes. I love everything so much that I start to hate it. I look at my memories mostly right now because it's been a year as of yesterday since I made these moves in my life and tried to make things work out for my future. I moved to California may 23, 2014. And since that, I have lost my best friends, lost the first love of my life, moved on to a second relationship, ended that, attempted to open a business, bought a puppy that I lost in the breakup, moved five times, spent probably $20,000 on a relationship, and practically wanted to die about 6 times. 

I don't even know how to accept if I was happy with my life or not. I still don't know. I just want to be alone most days. I want to get off work and come home and lay around watching Netflix. I finally have discovered the whole "single and ready to watch season after season" emotion. I feel so over it. I know my life isn't over after all that's happened and I'm only 23 but I also feel like people expect me to do big things in life and I keep trying and I keep fucking failing flat on my face and it's like I make mistakes that I should have seen coming and I did see coming and I ignored them because I'm a hopeless romantic and I want everything to work out. I CHOOSE HEART OVER HEAD. I don't make logical decisions. I just started to and now this is how I feel: empty. 

I used to feel so alive. I used to yearn for love and the feeling of a story book love. I used to look into the eyes of the person I was with and my heart would drop. And it makes me sick sometimes. It makes me feel like shit that I let things get me this down. It makes me question myself for why I wake up happy some days and sad some days.

And it makes me the most angry because I know I'm smarter and better than this. I'm being so weak right now and I know better than this. I know my life is beautiful. I know my past is a wonderful thing. I know the experiences I've had and the memories that float around in my head are unique and pretty much a straight blessing that I've done all I've done. I can feel sorrow but I also feel a lot of happiness for the way things panned out. 

I got to travel, got to live somewhere else, I got to be alone, I met new people, I felt so many things in my heart that I never thought I would. I found myself when I moved to California, i truly did. Unfortunately when I moved home I stopped letting them in and that's where I am today. Picking up from that to find myself again. I know who I am I just don't know how to embrace it I guess. And the worst part for me is that I know how easy it is! 

Life is so simple. If you want to do something, do it. Don't make excuse after excuse. If something is that good, you will find a way to make it work. Just as if something is that bad, you can find a solution to making it better again. Fall down twice, get back up three times. 

Recap

My life has transitioned so deeply in the past few months. This year alone has been the most life changing experience. So many lessons I've learned, so many downfalls, so much of my dreams came true and so many were crushed. 

I was talking today to my friend and realized that I am ready for this year to end. I don't even know how I feel about it. I don't know if it was good or bad. 

Last year, I woke up on January 1st, 2014, and wrote something about this year being a new year but it doesn't change shit. It doesn't make all the bad disappear. Only you can change your destiny. 

Late Night Thoughts

I want to feel expression. 

I want to just engulf all the romantic ideas I have in my mind, and release them into the night. I wish I could accept the things I cannot change easier. I am working towards things, acceptance, agreeing my actions with my thoughts, but it's been a slow process. 

Finally at the end of my street I have seen the light go on and guidance is more appreciated inside my mind. 

I'm happy to know that life is a journey. You never stop learning. The beauty of our souls is so inspiring that it makes me look forward to every day for once in my life. I never have felt like this before. 

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Tonight is one of those nights when I feel tired but restless. I want to sleep but I want to feel. My mind is going in a million directions. My eyes are exhausted but my brain is in the left lane going 90 in a 65. 

I want to lay on the roof in the rain. I want to stargaze and eat marshmallows, but life isn't going to give me that right now. I am planted where I need to be at this moment and that's the way it's going to be regardless of what I want it to be. The sooner I accept this, the better off I'll be. 

Lately I've just felt so thankful for the life I have and the things I've experienced that it's hard to be sad about anything. I don't feel sympathy for people anymore. If you want to do something, then do it. If you want a change in your life, make it happen!!

I go back to California next week and there is so much I want to do, but I don't know what I'm GOING to do cause it's so many different motions. 

I really don't have a home after the end of August, and I don't know how to interpret it. I might go to Peru to teach art and English. 

I'm at a loss but I feel like a winner in the end. I just don't know what my next move is. 

Comment!

Back in florida

So, last week I came back to Florida for the week. 

This place never really changes, and I used to hate that about it but now that I've been gone for two months thats one thing that I can't seem to shake that I miss about it. There's always something to do even when there's nothing to do. Maybe its just part of  home town thing. I love waking up and knowing I can watch the sunrise, and then get coffee at my favorite spot, and get lunch with friends, and pick up at work if I want to, and come home to my puppy. 

I definitely miss it now that I dont have it anymore.

I go back to San Diego on Wednesday.