Do you

Do you ever think back on all the moments you had when you thought your world was ending and it wasn't worth it anymore and you didn't want to go on... and now you're older and you see how centered you were on one thing that steadily changed but your view of it never really changed.. and now that you're older you see that it finally has changed and all the things it put you through you didn't deserve... but it somehow shaped you into who you are today.. and the mistakes and heartaches you felt made you fearless but kinda relentless today.. and you no longer put up with bullshit and people putting you down.. and you're compassionate for the right things and the right people.. and even when you push those away they stick around because those are the right ones.. the ones who matter and who god actually sent here for you.. to show you the things that can make you proud that you got through the shitty days when you thought you wanted to disappear, and now you're still crazy but like a good crazy and you're life is a string of corrupted beauty and you still can seek beautiful things in this dark fucking world and it makes you kinda happy on the inside  .... me too. 

You're allowed to feel this way

Okay. There's just way too many outlooks on how things should be. I think that's what skews our view on live and love and happiness and success. You can be happy living in a shack by the beach, or happy in a mansion on the west side, or you can just be happy where you are. Lately I've just had it in my head that everything is fine but the more I think about it, it is, but it's not great. 

I just feel so wrong all the time. I hate feeling like the problem. And it's really hard because people get it in their mind that they are right and they think they're some sort of a martyr when they "let you win". It doesn't mean they are right! even if they were right, having that mentality makes them wrong. It builds hatred and it builds resentment. Especially in shifting guilt onto someone else. 

It gets harder and harder to talk to people when they just defend themselves. It gets harder to be yourself when someone constantly puts you down. 

It gets really tiring trying to be the happy one in life. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm totally bipolar. I'm totally crazy. But for the most part I'm the most energetic person I know, and happy and friendly and a total joker and really the only things that upset me in life are when people try to make me feel like less of who I am. Like if someone says I'm bad at my job, or they "let me win" or that I come off the wrong way when I'm joking. It hurts me because it's part of who I am when I joke around, or show my full personality at work, or work really hard to make something happen and have it stripped from under me. 

The past year was a fucking nightmare. I wanted to kill myself. I didn't even want to see if things would get better because I didn't want to start over AGAIN. And the biggest part is that it was because I felt so fucking stupid for letting myself fall for someone who was a sociopath. And they took complete advantage of me. And when I finally had the courage to leave, they made me feel guilty about it like I was giving up because I was believing everyone else. And then I basically convinced myself I sucked and I was giving up and listening to everyone. But then I found it that everyone was right and telling the truth, and I had a relationship with a fucking monster. And then it took a full year to get out of the situation because I tried to start a business with someone whose worse than a piece of shit.  So finally I get over the hurt I was feeling from my heart breaking, and it was my decision to leave, because I had to. Sometimes you can love something horrible but still know you have to leave. And since then I've filled every emotion for them with pure hatred. I hate them still. I think I will hate them forever for taking a piece of me away that I don't really think will ever come back. Even now I finally won and got what should have been mine in the first place, and then to see them continue to put me down on something that isn't true at all is what really fucks me up. It hurts me because in life I try nothing more than to make people feel good about themselves and do whatever I can to help them, and to be turned into a fool really just hurts me. 

Compassion results in pain, always. 

And now I've even moved on and found something else in my life that's amazing, but part of me just can't be there the way they want me to. Because part of me is still forever buried. Part of my heart is dead. My trust is forever shattered. The ways I used to care no longer exist. And it shows and it hurts to know that I can hurt someone else by being the way people were to me. But that's just part of growing, you lose parts of yourself and your heart and your soul changes. I never want to get hurt again the way I did before. And I don't ever want to get close to someone the way I did before. And I NEVER want to deal with wanting to kill myself over someone else. I thought I couldn't live without my first love. I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. And he never loved me back the way I loved him. I would have died for him. I really would have. And he hurt me over and over every single day for seven years.  Then I finally had the strength to walk away and my vulnerability leads me into this relationship with someone I thought was perfect, and they turned out to be a complete lie. And shattered me forever. I can honestly say that this person ruined me. He ruined me for everyone else too because I'll never feel the same. A part of me is always missing. 

I feel so jaded. I feel like I learned from it all, and I'll never get into a situation similar to it, but it keeps me closed off and it makes me incapable of being the person I was before. If I was who I was before with the person I was with recently, I think it would be amazing. But I can't be that person anymore. And he doesn't understand. 

And it hurts me to know I hurt him over the way my heart and soul feels now. And it makes me question everything. 

Every day I set my alarm for 6 am. Sometimes i wake up, sometimes I roll over and go back to sleep. Some days I overwrite on here, other days I just post song lyrics I love. Some days I'm actually happy and feeling upbeat, other days I come back to my bed immediately and lay here until I have to work. Lately I have just been feeling anxious, and worrying about my future, and worrying about the people I care about, and watching other people go through things that I can't control, and hurting for them. Compassion is hard. You can feel so much for something and it's not even your thing to feel for, but it makes you sad. Then you add that to what you're already going through on your own and it's a disaster. Then it's hard to get back up. And all people can say is keep your head up and it will get better, I've been hearing that for 12 years now. Things get better they do and my life is beautiful and I am lucky, so I don't know why I'm always so sad. Why I'm always stuck loving the wrong people? Why the things that hurt the most still hurt me the most? Most days I just want to give up. Most days I feel like I'm on autopilot and people don't even notice because I'm such an upbeat and energetic person. You can hide all you feel pretty easily... But eventually it all blows up and you have a week of moping around and then you go back to reality and just make a new front. I really hope this one day is gone, that I can forget the shit my first and second relationship put me through and stop resenting them for it, that I can embrace the love the last one gave me and be thankful for it, that I can stop thinking about things I can't ever change. I'm not looking for advice, I know how this goes by now... Just hope everyone knows that you're not alone and a lot of us feel this constant sorrow and that's really all. You're allowed to feel sad. You're allowed to overthink. You're allowed to miss the things that are bad for you... It doesn't make you crazy. It just makes you real. 

Jax Beach Pier back in March

Breckenridge, CO. March 

Ginnie Springs, May

New York City, June

New York City, June

Starting the New Year

Is it so hard to want to find someone who respects a relationship? Who doesn't get mad at you not wanting to hang out, but also makes time to hang out? 

Maybe my problem is that I want a man who wants to hang out with me but also wants to chill alone. Every person I end up dating just is never alone when they're not with me they're always with someone else who correlates to trouble. Either they're with guys who are single and want them to be around a bunch of chicks or they're hanging or with chicks cheating on me. That's just my past experience. I guess t bothers me so much because I'm alone when I'm not with someone I'm in a relationship with. I don't crave to be wanted by other men. I just want the man Im With to want me and only me and to have the courtesy to not cheat on me. And to be honest. If sex is all someone wants I wish they would state that up front. They just assume women don't want that. Hey I want someone to go eat with and spend some time with watching movies but I also want you to good me at the end of the night. I don't get when that became so hard to just hang out with someone and not expect to sleep at their house. That's really why kills it for me and when men get too comfortable I just cut them off. 

I guess it's just become so easy for me to hurt people too because I was so hurt by my last relationship I have no trust issues wich prevents me greatly from becoming attached to anyone. Then it's just easy for me to peace out. 

I thoroughly enjoy being alone. I just also wish dating was still a thing. I want someone to pick me up and take me to dinner and then drop me off at home. Then leave and call me the next day. 

Instead I was born in this generation where all people want to do is come over and watch Netflix and try to put their hand down your pants. ANNOYING. I'm generally interested in Making A Murderer I do not want to touch your penis. 

anyways... I wonder if there's someone out there for me who will make me change my mind. I guess I am not even close yet. Cuz currently Ive finished three Netflix series in the last week and haven't left my house but to go to them gym and work since Monday.