Restless

Later || morning || restless.

No one seems to see why I am where I am but in the end I guess it only matters if I get it. My life is a line if moments and I respect all of them. But no regrets is the easy way of coping if you ask me because there are plenty of things I regret. Does that change any of them? No. But I still wish I did them differently. But at the same time I wouldn't be the same person. Or would I? How would I know. I have become someone who I am proud of for standing up for what I believe is my future even when I have mass judgement, even when I failed, and I want to say at least I tried, but still I failed. My life used to be so stable, now it's been so fluid and full of emotion and decisions that have altered who I am. It's weird to think about but I guess this is just the plan made for me. I truly do wonder where I will be a year from now. It's crazy to think of where I was a year ago, compare it to what I've done since then; I've graduated college with two degrees, moved three times, lived in a different state, traveled across the globe, owned a car on my own, etc. I guess this is my late night thoughts...

Recap on California

This past week has been really fun. My friend Maddie flew back to California the same day as me and it's been really nice to have someone to hang out with out here. 

Not gonna lie, it's been rough feeling alone out in a new state, even when I was surrounded with people I knew. There's been a million things I've seen about loneliness, and that you can be sitting in the same room as someone and still feel completely alone. I think that was true out here and I think It built up resentment for me and someone else, but fortunately we worked things out in a sense of distance to put us at a place where we can be friends and not continue to build walls. Life's not as hard as it seems, I think communication is hard. It's harder than it seems. Advice is easier to give to other people but taking your own is pretty fuckin hard. 

All in all, aside from that I think that it's clear to me that I LOVE California, but I don't think I love living here. It is alwYa fun to visit and show people the places I've discovered, and I don't regret moving here but I think after all that's happened in the past two weeks I'm ready to go home. I took in a lot here and I know people judge my decisions and want to think moving home is weak, but that's the thing about me: I don't care. It's my life and my happiness and I know I'm happier back home especially with the circumstances of my life AT THE MOMENT. maybe one day I'll come back out here, after I have an established career and a real goal for myself. Right now I feel a little disoriented. 

But I'm in my twenties. 

There's that. When you're in your twenties you think you need to grow up and get it together, to live up to the expectations of your parents or your friends who have a solid path, but really it's about finding your soul and feeling a purpose for yourself. 

Or at least that's how I feel. 

Anyways, I got some great views this past week. 

 Oceanside, CA

Koreatown, LA, CA 

Pancakes @ The Griddle in LA 

San Clemente, CA 

Up on the Parking garage @ The Grove

San Clemente 

Saw SWIMM @ the Satellite. Look them up on YouTube! They were amazing.
This was my favorite

Cause when were in California we see shows by people from Florida. duh. 

 Carlsbad, CA 

La Jolla, SD, CA 

Lovd it. Love the beauty of this place and this world. It's so incredible to feel so much when you look at something. Pictures don't do it justice but they really do capture a memory. 

Late Night Thoughts

I want to feel expression. 

I want to just engulf all the romantic ideas I have in my mind, and release them into the night. I wish I could accept the things I cannot change easier. I am working towards things, acceptance, agreeing my actions with my thoughts, but it's been a slow process. 

Finally at the end of my street I have seen the light go on and guidance is more appreciated inside my mind. 

I'm happy to know that life is a journey. You never stop learning. The beauty of our souls is so inspiring that it makes me look forward to every day for once in my life. I never have felt like this before. 

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Tonight is one of those nights when I feel tired but restless. I want to sleep but I want to feel. My mind is going in a million directions. My eyes are exhausted but my brain is in the left lane going 90 in a 65. 

I want to lay on the roof in the rain. I want to stargaze and eat marshmallows, but life isn't going to give me that right now. I am planted where I need to be at this moment and that's the way it's going to be regardless of what I want it to be. The sooner I accept this, the better off I'll be. 

Lately I've just felt so thankful for the life I have and the things I've experienced that it's hard to be sad about anything. I don't feel sympathy for people anymore. If you want to do something, then do it. If you want a change in your life, make it happen!!

I go back to California next week and there is so much I want to do, but I don't know what I'm GOING to do cause it's so many different motions. 

I really don't have a home after the end of August, and I don't know how to interpret it. I might go to Peru to teach art and English. 

I'm at a loss but I feel like a winner in the end. I just don't know what my next move is. 

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