The dark

No one want to talk about their sorrows. Everyone wants to pretend that social media is all about the popularity and the fun life they have. I love the world and I love nature. I love art. I love creating. But a part inside me is always sad. It's a battle I've dealt with my entire life. And honestly I've never addressed it before because I wanted to be natural and I've been in denial that something's wrong with my mind but I really hope things start looking up for me. I'm 23 and my life isn't bad. I have no reason to be as sad and anxious for things as I am, but that doesn't take from the fact that I am. 

Talking to people is a great remedy so if anyone ever wants to talk I'm a great listener and I love helping people. I love hearing what people have to say because everyone is different, unique. We all have troubles. Don't ever feel like yours aren't a big deal just because they could be worse. Yes things could be worse, but that doesn't mean you are wrong for being sad. Don't hold your emotions in. That's what eats you alive. Express yourself in every way you can. Honesty is a huge part of feeling free. 

And there's no reason to deny yourself of freedom just for the yearning to be normal and like everyone else. That's the greatness of life! You are different! We are all different! My sorrows differ from yours, from my sisters, from my family's. We have similar feelings about things but we all have things that dominate our head at night. 

2 am and all I can think about is something I don't want to think about anymore. 

3 am and it's still there. 

4 am and I finally wake up. 

7 am and it's time to start the day and by noon it's right back to square one. 

Well tomorrow I am starting a change. I don't know anything about my problem other than its for depression and anxiety. 

We stray away from the truth more than often

And most of MY problem comes with not understanding the differences between heart and mind. I think wth my heart. I want to be logical in situations and it's like I know what the right move is but my heart somehow always overpowers my brain and I end up in a situation that eventually betrays me. I feel happy then something that i knew would happen happens. And I try to ignore it. I don't try and search for that thing to happen, it just eventually does 

Like someone who has hurt me. They always end up hurting me again. And I read somewhere "if someone hurts you, stay the FUCK away. No matter what. Stay away." 

Yet here i am! Always! Always running back to the people who break me. 

It's like a problem with me. And I'm sure a lot of other people. Like already I get out in the same situations j have been in and god gives me a chance to abandon it but like a fool I feel the need to give people another chance, just another one, and i end up doubting that almost instantly. 

And the people think the can outsmart me. That's what kills me. They act like i don't know what's going on. Well trust me, I do. I know all. Always. I know where life takes me. I know when people tell me they want to just talk they mean they want to convince me why they're right and why I should forgive them.  Mostly they just want to stop feeling guilty about how they hurt me. But they end up doing it again. 

Dude I don't even know sometimes. It still breaks my heart. I've been in tears ALL day. I just think and think and think about all the negativity I've experienced this year and how the people who have placed me there have basically pushed me until feeling that way felt normal. I feel normal that I'm sad. It's just who I am. That's what I've always told myself. For years and years. I've felt this way since I was 11- and I've never been strong enough to ask for help. This is the first time I've gone on my own to get help, which is mostly because someone keeps telling me I'm insane. 

Well maybe i am. 

I do need help. 

I need to feel happy again. And live my life to be myself. And smile and play music that isn't on my "sorrow" playlist. I just want to listen to Interpol and want to smile instead of drawing tears from the corners of my eyes. 

I want to look at photos on my phone and feel happy that I experienced something instead of beating myself up for something not working out. 

And I want to move back to California. Fearless. And be free. And not come home dude. I need a better plan. I need a job first. I need to PLAN now. And i will. And that's that. This is the end of this rant. 

I'm horribly tired. Another side effect. 

Feels

Some days I wake up so happy and other days I wake up so distraught over everything that's happened. It really is a blessing and a curse to feel so emotional all the time. I feel so connected to every experience I have.

 I think of my memories and I want to smile and laugh but instead tears come to my eyes and my heart starts to hurt. 

It makes me wonder why I still let those things into my soul. Why does it break my heart that they STILL break my heart? 

I don't know if it's the abundance of memories that fill my head or if it's just myself beating into my mind that I don't even have a chance. I know I don't give myself enough credit. I know I'm a good person and God, I try so hard to be one, but at the end of the day I look in the mirror with anger at myself. I wish I loved myself. I used to. Then I let people walk all over me again and again. I feel so fucked up. I feel jaded. I feel so aggravated by all the decisions I made because part of me knew they were all wrong when I made them and they led me to the "worst case scenario" of the situations that I thought of in my mind. 

Long days turn into longer nights for me. 

Years of remembering something that made you feel so upbeat but also made you want to die are really hard to stop remembering. My past is a huge part of the way I am today. And people think I'm crazy sometimes, but then they all tell me how great of a person I am, and honestly it makes me wonder if they actually think that or if a lot of people in my life just don't know how to react to me. It's embarrassing. 

Basically this post is about compassion. 

I feel so connected to everything that it makes me crazy sometimes. I love everything so much that I start to hate it. I look at my memories mostly right now because it's been a year as of yesterday since I made these moves in my life and tried to make things work out for my future. I moved to California may 23, 2014. And since that, I have lost my best friends, lost the first love of my life, moved on to a second relationship, ended that, attempted to open a business, bought a puppy that I lost in the breakup, moved five times, spent probably $20,000 on a relationship, and practically wanted to die about 6 times. 

I don't even know how to accept if I was happy with my life or not. I still don't know. I just want to be alone most days. I want to get off work and come home and lay around watching Netflix. I finally have discovered the whole "single and ready to watch season after season" emotion. I feel so over it. I know my life isn't over after all that's happened and I'm only 23 but I also feel like people expect me to do big things in life and I keep trying and I keep fucking failing flat on my face and it's like I make mistakes that I should have seen coming and I did see coming and I ignored them because I'm a hopeless romantic and I want everything to work out. I CHOOSE HEART OVER HEAD. I don't make logical decisions. I just started to and now this is how I feel: empty. 

I used to feel so alive. I used to yearn for love and the feeling of a story book love. I used to look into the eyes of the person I was with and my heart would drop. And it makes me sick sometimes. It makes me feel like shit that I let things get me this down. It makes me question myself for why I wake up happy some days and sad some days.

And it makes me the most angry because I know I'm smarter and better than this. I'm being so weak right now and I know better than this. I know my life is beautiful. I know my past is a wonderful thing. I know the experiences I've had and the memories that float around in my head are unique and pretty much a straight blessing that I've done all I've done. I can feel sorrow but I also feel a lot of happiness for the way things panned out. 

I got to travel, got to live somewhere else, I got to be alone, I met new people, I felt so many things in my heart that I never thought I would. I found myself when I moved to California, i truly did. Unfortunately when I moved home I stopped letting them in and that's where I am today. Picking up from that to find myself again. I know who I am I just don't know how to embrace it I guess. And the worst part for me is that I know how easy it is! 

Life is so simple. If you want to do something, do it. Don't make excuse after excuse. If something is that good, you will find a way to make it work. Just as if something is that bad, you can find a solution to making it better again. Fall down twice, get back up three times. 

How bittersweet the days can feel

I used to want this complex story, it's like I was addicted to the suffering. And even when it was great, it wasn't real. Somehow I've trained my mind to deal with everything that happens to me by running. I leave the situation. I move. I quit. I block it out. I turn on my iPod and act like I'm just not cut out for happiness. I avoid people for months but some part in me just wants to know why I feel this way. Why can't I just embrace simplicity? I don't trust people. At all. And I don't blame myself. Who does actually trust people?

 It sucks. Happy people are just better at looking at things optimistically, but I'm a pessimist. I fall in love with lies and dream up a life that's not going to happen. It's not about being impossible, but being honest. It's only a matter of time before the feelings surface. They always do. I don't think it's anymore else, it's just me. I have this skewed dream of what I want my life to be, and constantly feel an aching for it but no way to get there. And If I address my feelings, it means I failed again. So instead i think I live through sunrises and sunsets, smoothies and cookies and all the things that I wish made me happy. 

I do love waking up early, going to the beach and watching the sunrise in peace. It's pure serenity. And as much as every day is the same, in its revolution of the sun and the tide and the moon, the way it rises in the east and sets in the west, every day is unique. 

You know, the more I think, the more I realize life isn't bad. It's simple. I complicate it in order to feel. Sometimes I think I just don't feel enough and that's when I start to develop these emotions in my mind. It's like a cry for my soul to wake the fuck up. I drift into the same routine and need for a change presents yaself through my sorrows. It's mostly when I start to see myself feeling angry and easily irritated that I know I need to go experience something new. And lately it's been really hard because I've been strapped for money from opening this business. 

If anyone wants to know what it's like to go for it and try to be an entrepreneur, it's HARD. Its a constant debate in your mind of "is this worth it?" And you try to convince yourself of one thing, but somehow the other thoughts creep up. But I'll tell you this; the more you invest in it, the realer it becomes. The harder it is to get away, the more you want it to work out. 

All I want is for this to work out and to be happy and comfortable. To not have to complicate my life and give up one part of happiness for another part. People have become to set on the "live in he moment" bullshit, but when you hear success stories you hear that people who get what they want WORK FOR IT. I heard the saying of its not a lottery ticket, you can't sit around waiting to become successful and get what you want in life. People who do that are either A.) pieces of shit who are handed everything B.) prostitutes who will later become arrested or die of something bad, or C.) outliers who are fucking lucky as shit, but you can't expect to be that person. 

All in all, I guess I saw my life as something more than I wanted it to be. I always do. I want this great experience of fuck ups and confusion, of sorrow stories about how I tried so hard and it failed me. I am like a damsel in distress, except I'm not because I don't want anyone to fucking save me. I want to do it all in my own. I just want the chapter in my book of my life to teach me something. 

Everything that's happened to me so far has been avoidable, but I let it happen anyways. And part of me would be lying if I said I didn't think it would end up like this. I knew when I moved to California that it wasn't going to work out with someone I had followed for years. Because when you give up that much for someone, you're not doing it for yourself and the anger overpowers love and you end up spiteful and things feel different and you resent each other. That's exactly what happened (and the other obvious of he fucked someone else while I was out of town) but let's be real, I knew deep down that was going to happen. 

I have a good sense of knowing when something's wrong. And part of me feels it right now, and I keep trying to deny it to myself because I've been so happy with the way things complicated themselves, and this isn't simple either. It's really actually very complex... More than I wanted. But this is why I've come to realize I have made this life I don't know if I want. I am unsure about so many things that hPpen to me and what could happen to me and it terrifies me. 

But someone told me last week when I said I hate my life and I want to die (I don't really... I just exaggerate for dark humor cause that's how I deal).

I said I'm upset because I make decisions impulsively and they leave me stranded and confused. 

"This is what you do, you make horrible decisions. But you're allowed to because you're in your twenties." 

fridayyyy

Life's been good lately. Me and my boyfriend bought a food truck last month and we have been working on renovations and preparing to open since then! It's really time consuming and kind of stressful, okay really stressful, but we are both in it together. 

I know j always write about this but it's just so crazy seeing how much my life has evolved. That's why I love having a blog and a journal and whatever form of writing I have because it gives me the opportunity to track myself and see where i stand in comparison to a year ago or 6 months ago or where I want to be 5 weeks from now. 

So much has changed!! 

Since I moved home, everything happened so fast but I'm a firm believer in fate and j really am happy the way it's come together. I wanted to get my life together when I got home and save money and work towards making my future what I dreamed it to be, and so far I kinda just skipped over a lot considering I met the coolest human ever three weeks into moving back here and he's changed my life in so many ways already. 

Never thought I'd find someone who makes every day perfect. 

Aside from love flourishing in my every day life, owning a business is pretty fucking exciting. (And he supports every part of it because he's a part of it!)... We got a new puppy... I just painted the house... 

Life's great. I don't know what else to say. 

It's warming up again, daylight savings time just happened which means the sunrise is an hour later which is the best. 😁😊😄☺️😉😝 happy. 

Late thoughts

It sucks to think about how cynical I've turned out to be in my life. Since I can remember. I always have been this way. I know my mind has evolved into giving people the benefit of the doubt in most cases because its simple to me to try and see something from another persons perspective but the more I give it thought, the less I understand why society as a whole has become so selfish in the sense of doing things purely for their own benefits and that's what makes me cynical. What happened to give love make love? Why are fucked up things so acceptable? Why does less than half our population question motives of practically everything going on in the world? Why don't people CARE? I don't care about the kardashians or the stupid dress that is blue black gold and white, but I care about the environment and animals and eating healthy and reading to stay knowledgable and making people who I love feel that i love them. I respect generosity and honesty and people speaking how they feel and being truthful to themselves. Mostly this just comes back to how I've been treated by a lot of people and I know I'm not a saint but I've never intentionally tried to hurt someone and I never would. I don't even know where this is coming from. My mind is in a million places tonight. ||

Recap

My life has transitioned so deeply in the past few months. This year alone has been the most life changing experience. So many lessons I've learned, so many downfalls, so much of my dreams came true and so many were crushed. 

I was talking today to my friend and realized that I am ready for this year to end. I don't even know how I feel about it. I don't know if it was good or bad. 

Last year, I woke up on January 1st, 2014, and wrote something about this year being a new year but it doesn't change shit. It doesn't make all the bad disappear. Only you can change your destiny. 

Things I Hate as a Server

Working in a restaurant is nice, because it's short hours, fast cash, easy to get in and get out. No hard feelings when you lose your cool because we all do it, the kitchen understands our frustrations as we understand theirs. 

I love my job. 

I love serving. 

I hate a lot of things about it:

-people who don't tip 20% 

-people who don't tip more than 20% when you were above and beyond

-people who push their plates to the back of the table. 

-people who snap their fingers at you

-people who continue talking when you ask if they're ready to order

-people who can't make decisions

-when you say you're ready, then proceed to tell everyone "you go first"

-people who ask for refills when 3-4 of their cup is full still

-people who don't seem happy with their food but tell you "no it's fine" then act pissy

-vegetarians who can't accept that not all vegetables are vegetarian sides. 

-people who get mad at me for something I have no Ontario over

-BEING JUDGED FOR BEING A SERVER. this is the worst by far. I am a college graduate with two business degrees. Just because I am your server does not make me less of a human. I have goals. I don't want a corporate job. Not everyone does. I like my job. I make more an hour than most of my friends. I don't get a "401K" but I have a savings account from money I make every single day. I've done more with my life than most of the people I know who work in the business world and hate their jobs. I am a happy person. Fuck you for judging me. 

More and more problems exist, but after 3 tables leaving me <$10 on >$70 checks, they suck. I am a great server. I get complements all the time. I am great at my job.  

Not just me, but everyone who works in the service industry feels this way. Give us a little more respect.